Conversation Between X and O

X: "You understand, don't you? If it is not completely gone, then it is still there."
O: "How do you make it go away?"
X: "I was hoping you could tell me that."
O: "I didn't know it was still there. I hoped it was gone anyway."
X: "So did I."

O: "What happened?"
X: "I went back there. I went back to where I never wanted to go again... and I went back much further this time."
O: "Why did you go there if you knew you didn't want to?"
X: "I was weak. I was suspicious of time: Past, Present, and Future. I wondered what I still didn't know. Not knowing everything about something that affects you so deeply makes you feel small. It makes your fear grow like a weed, and it's poison seeps into the cracks in the story- the parts you are still missing. I went back to find the truth- all of it- hoping this time would be the last, and I would Never have to look back again."
O: "Did you find it?"
X: "I found only words; Images I did not want to see- that are now pasted chaotically all over the walls of my mind- my Ego. I found no more truth than what I had before."

O: "Did you really want to know everything?"
X: "I wanted to. And I didn't want to. There is no way around something like that. Either way, it's fucked up."
O: "But is it still?"
X: "No. It is becoming a strong point in the growth of a tree trunk. The branches are reaching upward now, looking for light, and there are new little green leaves dancing in the breeze. It is more beautiful than ever before..."
O: "Then what made it come out again? And why are you holding that axe?"
X: "I always pick it up when I remember. I think I could chop that tree in one blow and watch it fall to it's death. Or I could cut it into a million bits and throw it into a fire, until it is nothing but ashes. But mostly I think of chopping right into the pain that is still there inside of me sometimes- just chopping it out, and away- far, far away."
O: "What stops you?"
X: "The tree. In it's shade I exist as I am meant to. I have the purpose too many cannot find. It lets the sun through and it protects me in one warm soft vision. It is why I came this time."
O: "How do know?"
X: "Knowing is when there is no way around something. When you try to resist, the universe sweeps up like wind behind you, and pushes you back onto the right track. You cannot avoid it, go around it, or pretend it is not there. When all of these things become impossible to every part of your existence, then you Know."

O: "Shall we bury the axe then?"
X: "Yes. But it is my axe, so I must bury it alone. I have to be sure I will never want to dig it up."
O: "How can you be sure of that?"
X: "I don't know if I can yet... but I think I will be sure very soon. I believe I am almost finished with this mess. The most important thing is that I know that I want to bury it. I know that I want to nurture the tree now, and I don't ever want to think of causing it harm, or losing it. I feel that tree growing deep inside of me, and I am also growing inside the tree."
O: "What is that?"
X: "Something called Love. I will tell you more about that another time. I am still learning about it."

O: "May I sit with you under the tree?"
X: "Yes. Lets sit here in the shade, warmed by the sun, looking up at the blue through the green..."

(silence...)

X: "You do understand don't you?"
O: "I am beginning to, and I think maybe You are, too..."


Written by Rachael Sage Payne ©

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